ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
