i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
