Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
