My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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