You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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