Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
