On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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