So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
