We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
