What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
