Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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