You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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