He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
