If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
