You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
