dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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