You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
