Your face is a jimmy john
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
