I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
