I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
