As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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