dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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