After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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