I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
