FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
