Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
