They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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