nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
