Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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