I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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