We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
