He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He shit in the fireplace
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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