I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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