I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
