I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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