just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
