god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
