I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
