Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
