I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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