I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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