Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
