how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
