best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
