I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need to calm my uterus...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
