Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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