I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
