it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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