You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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