I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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