I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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