Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
