I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
