my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
