Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
