Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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