She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
