Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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